Life as Prayer: My Spiritual Journey from Mormonism to Animism

I’ve wanted to share my own spiritual path for many years, but I was raised to not step on people’s toes or upset others. It’s taken me a lot of years to unwind these fears and realize that my voice and story matters, even if it makes others uncomfortable.

I’m NOT here to tell others what to believe. But I am here to share my perspective, because I believe that we were all born for a reason and each of us has a purpose. Our unique life journeys are lived prayers that reach others in ways that are needed.

You can read my thoughts on the nature of truth here, if you need another perspective on how I approach individual beliefs. I don’t necessarily care about what an individual believes if it is working for them and not causing harm to others. But I DO care about what the collective weaves into cultural narrative, as that is what creates whole worlds of wellbeing or absolute dysfunction.

As far as the collective goes, I see that we are in dire times and this informs my own way of being in the world. Yes, I believe that our civilization is on the road to collapse, as so many civilizations have done so before. I don’t believe that we are extra special or “god-appointed” or any other conception of our society being more important than past humans’ societies have been. I do not believe in the myth of progress.

I believe that we are simply another iteration of human beings who are once again experiencing a very hard lesson about what happens when we think we are above nature…

My deep questioning comes from this perspective and informs the ways in which I ask questions.

Now, on to my spiritual journey…

I was born into a Mormon (LDS) family with multiple generations of pioneer stock (including some European converts who left their families and lands for the One True Church). My mother’s mother’s family was the second family of secret polygamists, born from a father who was quite elite in the Mormon community of the early 1900s.

I was raised by a mother who had been quite traumatized by her family, which made her cling desperately to her spiritual beliefs in order to survive a harsh life.

So, I grew up in a kind of fundamentalist-minded Mormon family (not polygamist-fundamentalist, for those who are confusing the two - but very strict nevertheless). The “letter of the law” kind of family, as opposed to some Mormon families who are more “spirit of the law” minded.

My mom taught me to question society through her beliefs about holistic health, even as she also applied her religious zealotry to her health belief systems. She raised me as an older single mother of a single child (she had 6 other much older children who were being raised by their father). She went against the advice of her religious leaders who judged her for divorcing a man who was a known child molester (because the attitude of that time was that the institution of marriage was more important than abusive male behavior).

As a child - like most children - I was very much a natural born animist. I connected with animals deeply and was concerned about the feelings of supposedly inanimate objects (something our society passes off as “silly” and “childish” and “ridiculous”). Every dead bird I would find would immediately get a proper burial and send off from me (bats too, when I would find them).

But of course, I was socialized in Mormon culture, and so I accepted whatever I was taught to believe about the world, as all humans do in their respective cultures. I didn’t have other perspectives to consider as a youngster, as I was completely surrounded by Mormonism.

I remember being in about 2nd grade, standing outside in the front yard at night, craning my face up to the big, dark sky… and demanding to understand the universe. And then feeling immediately dizzy by the immensity of it all.

I had several experiences as a child where I “heard” voices of warning when around abusive family members, as well as saw what I can only conceive of now as spirits (which I’m not going to try to define, because I consider myself a humble human who doesn’t need to define every single thing in existence or in mind).

I was always deeply contemplative and daydreamy. And, as an only child, I wasn’t interrupted by siblings and could remain in my daydreamy world quite often.

Being raised with a traumatized mother meant that, yes, I did experience a significant amount of emotional and verbal abuse from her. I believe that it contributed to my eventual spiritual cognitive dissonance. It also gave me the ability to have deep compassion for women who have been abused and cannot function well as mothers or women in our society. I’m able to both hold adults accountable for their actions and simultaneously also see the incredible injustices that kept/keep them from wellbeing.

I remember being in kindergarten and one day asking my mother, “If we’re supposed to love everyone, shouldn’t we also love Lucifer? Isn’t he our brother and so we should love him too?” To which my horrified mother instantly condemned my words and chastised me to never utter those words ever again… (Leaving me without an answer and a clear message of shame - plus my first taste of rebellion, which left me oddly satisfied.)

I find that memory quite amusing these days, as I can see that even as a small child I could recognize the hypocrisy of a belief system that promoted the idea of unconditional love, but didn’t truly practice it in a way that questions previous assumptions (children are quick to notice hypocrisy as they are learning the rules of their society).

When we moved to Texas when I was 12 years old, I was at last surrounded by people with a wider variety of belief systems. One of my closest friends in middle school was a girl who was Muslim, and we spent a lot of time trying to convince each other that our religion was the right one. But we were young and also just accepted each other, so we didn’t take our differences too seriously. I just assumed that someday I would be able to “save” her and bring her to the real truth (ha. ha. ha.).

As a 15-year-old, I started questioning more intently, mostly driven by teenage angst and a propensity for rebellion. My relationship with my mother started to deteriorate quickly, as I was no longer a sweet, terrified, compliant child, and was ready to become more independent and form my own identity in the world (I’ve always possessed a quiet inner fire).

This resulted in some intense altercations, which led to her deciding to move us away from Texas (and “all the non-Mormons” supposedly influencing me) to Utah. Little did she know that that choice was going to be the nail in the coffin for me…

We ended up settling in a place where I instantly felt that I didn’t belong. Utah Mormonism felt very different from non-Utah Mormonism, which hyper-highlighted my internal struggles with what I had been taught.

I had begun to explore my Irish heritage as a 15-year-old, and fallen in love with Irish fiddling and music. I’d also started to question the education system, first quitting high school in Texas, and then quitting it again in Utah…never to return again. (Yep, I’m a two-time high school “dropout” and education system rebel - who also now has both a bachelor’s and master’s degree, and a busload of critiques of higher ed, which I’ll dive into in a future essay).

I became critical of the world that had been presented to me as normal. The deterioration of my relationship with my mother was based on my own bravery in being able to finally stand up for myself and not allow her to bully or control me any longer (she did not like that).

I became good friends with a girl from the Netherlands, and observing her family’s much-healthier relationship dynamics, their healthy non-American attitudes about their bodies, and their very-different-from-American perspectives on being mentally healthy truly opened my eyes. I felt so loved and free at their house. Her mother was the kindest mother I’d ever met, and she came from an unhealthy childhood she had transformed, which meant she could relate to me in many ways.

It was very easy to let go of any remaining fears about Mormon culture and beliefs when I was around them. Their Dutch family culture came natural to me and felt like coming home. I could immediately see that as a Mormon I didn’t actually have the corner on beliefs, and many different ways of being were warm and loving beyond what I had been told. (Growing up Mormon means being taught that everyone except Mormons are miserable and they will continue to be until they find the “one true church”…)

I spent time at our local library researching my Irish and Celtic roots. And one day I came across a book that was about ancient Celtic spirituality, and I discovered the true definition of “witch” and “pagan”...and suddenly my whole world unraveled.

I had been taught that witches were evil women and pagans were devil-worshippers. And yet, here were my ancestors defined simply as…

Witch: a wise woman known for her ability to heal and use plant medicine.

Pagan: a person who holds a worldview that is land-based and has a spiritual practice that emerges from and is deeply connected to the Earth.

(These are paraphrases, and yes, you can find all kinds of bizarre definitions online. These are the definitions pulled from my memory, uncolored by fearful Christian dogma.)

I suddenly realized that it wasn’t just Mormonism that had sold me many lies, but also Christianity and American/European worldviews of cultural exceptionality.

I spent time researching online and somehow ended up on the ExMormon.org website, where I got to read all kinds of historical stories and conflicts I wasn’t “supposed” to read. This was 2001 and I was newly 17 years old.

I could immediately see how cultural history had poisoned my family’s ability to function as healthy adults, creating the crippled and traumatized mother who was unable to love my fierceness and whole being as she should have been able to do.

The Experience to Unravel Them All

I started sneaking out of church after Sacrament meeting (the Mormon equivalent of worship services/mass/communion/etc.), as I just couldn’t go to any other meetings. My heart very strongly said HELL NO.

Eventually, I became so bold that one evening I told my mother I didn’t want to read the Book of Mormon any longer (she was insisting that we read a chapter of the Bible every morning, and a chapter of the BOM every night in her desperation to indoctrinate me “back” into the truth as I think she could feel my growing resistance).

This was the last straw for her, and she freaked out at me, causing physical abuse that ended up involving an altercation with a police officer, me spending the night at a youth lockdown center (a very illuminating experience), and then subsequently running away from home with the support of loving friends (I’ll tell that full story one day when it feels right to).

Thus began my very strange journey of self-reclamation, out of a cultish upbringing, exposure to people who believed far differently and performed in far more healthy ways, and a cognitive dissonance that bore an insatiable curiosity in me to challenge all belief systems that were clearly not based on root causes or solutions.

Untangling the Toxicity

And this is the moment where I can hear the protests… “But it wasn’t Mormonism that was the problem, it was your family’s abusive upbringing that was the problem! You’re biased and confusing religion with abuse!”

Ah, but am I?

Almost every single male family member on both my father’s side and my mother’s side were child molesters and/or physically/emotionally/verbally abusive toward the children in their families as well as the women. Not a single one of them were punished at any point during their lifetimes, though their local bishops (similar to pastors/priests) were well-aware of their destructive behaviors.

Most every woman on both sides of my family were/still seem to be disembodied shells of human beings, unable to function fully as loving mothers and full humans due to deep anxieties, PTSD, and traumas. The pain these women expressed throughout their lifetimes was very palpable for anyone paying attention (especially a highly sensitive person such as myself).

Yes, I hold my mother accountable for her actions AND I forgive her for the patterns she carried on from past generations.

I very wisely removed myself from her presence so I could break my family’s chains of abuse toward women and children. And I processed the shit out of my experience so I could heal, and then turned around to feel compassion and forgiveness (because that’s how we truly get free).

And I rebelled in the best way possible: by raising children in the most loving and biologically-healthy ways that I possibly could have…something that hasn’t been done in my family (either side) for probably many, many generations. I haven’t been a perfect mother, but I’ve done a hell of a good job.

This family trauma story isn’t unheard of in Mormon culture. In fact it’s so common that if you live in Utah, you’re probably bumping up against families like this on a daily basis (or it’s just as likely that you’re from one).

And, of course, I don’t stop in my critique of Mormonism. All of Abrahamic traditions have a significant issue with abuse toward women and children.

Why? Well, that’s a root cause question that I’ve spent my whole adulthood confronting and investigating.

And the answer is that many many many generations ago, communities were mother-baby centered and women-led. They were naturally anti-violent, nurture-promoting, and no amount of violence or abuse was tolerated. Sexuality was celebrated in healthy conditions, and the male biological testosterone drive was tempered by female leadership to ensure they behaved in ways that were good for everyone in the community.

Once rogue hyper masculine groups took over influential culture groups during the rise of civilization, the goddess-worshiping cultures that had lived so close to the land were all eradicated one-by-one…

The mother-baby centered cultures that had worshiped the simple ways of being on this planet in alignment with Mother Nature, were replaced by warring, angry, dominant men who reconstructed all of culture in their own violent image.

The Roman and Greek gods - angry, violent men and hyper masculine women - took over gentler, female, life-giving goddesses and gods, giving rise to cultural beliefs that were absolutely atrocious. These beliefs also appeared on other continents, where hyper dominant masculine belief systems overthrew the gentle, kind, land-loving matriarchal cultures.

Over time, in Europe this became a singular male god in the sky (instead of a goddess that was part of the land we loved and were nourished by). This god was angry and cruel, demanding, self-centered, and violent.

The advent of Jesus into the story was, I believe, an attempt by the culture of that time to bring back a more gentle and goddess-emulating-like society once again. Jewish and Christian Mysticism contain fragments of those more gentle societies and beliefs that focus on nurturing instead of destruction.

But of course, in a society that is dominated by powerful men, even the story of Jesus was soon turned into a tool of control and destruction. The witch burnings that spread through Europe were a peak moment of evidence, demonstrating just how much society had become women-hating.

Why am I telling this story? Because it’s part of my own journey and process.

How I Found a Spiritual Home in the Ancestors

For at least 10-15 years after leaving the Mormon church, I allowed myself to heal, to dig deeply into anthropology and history, to reconnect with my ancient ancestors, and to let the layers of a toxic culture to fall away.

I jokingly called myself a spiritual atheist during this time, mostly because it would make me laugh and make others confused.

I stayed skeptical, resistant to other belief systems that were cult-like, refused to join other group-think communities, and walked my own quiet path.

(FYI, it is very common for people who have left the Mormon church to almost immediately be swept in by another cult or cult-like religious group - they are HIGHLY socialized to fall for these kinds of group tactics because of their “follow blindly and don’t ask questions” upbringing. It’s hard to watch...)

I fell deeper in love with the wisdom of the body, healed my maternal line’s dissociation with their bodies during my freebirth, and grew deeper in love with an emerging story of resilience and the beautiful power of the human story.

While others were becoming calloused and concluding that humans were parasites, I was instead researching the anthropology of violence and peace, and finding evidence that humans are naturally loving and peaceful in their rightful healthy state.

For a while, I fell into the liberal camp, half-believing their ideas and stories, but after a decade or so, I outgrew it all. All of these beliefs and systems of being were based in a patriarchal worldview of dominance, anger, and forgetting our deeper human nature. It was still a story of domination, faith in institutions and systems, and converting others to the “one true church” of progressivism.

During my time of staying open to whatever I was meant to embrace, I entertained many different belief systems, and they all just felt off and contrived. Until animism came to find me…

It happened unexpectedly and quietly. And as soon as it moved into my soul, it was clear that I had been changed immediately. And not into something new, but something that I already was. It made me more of myself, deepening my love for the ancient ancestors and my love for this beautiful Earth.

Most anthropologists present animism as something old and dead. But myself and others would argue that animism is our default human worldview and not something that could ever die or disappear, as it emerged from the Earth herself and from within every cell of our bodies.

The belief that every single thing that exists is important, alive, and contains wisdom is to step into an important web of interconnection. It’s to reject the Story of Separation* that has been sold to us since dominant patriarchal civilizations took over. It’s to walk with humility as an incredible being borne of an incredible planet. Not more important than anything else on this planet, but equally as important.

Animism was the gift I had been waiting for. And it was waiting for me to simply be aware enough to let it in.

My time spent in the woods was now heightened by an awareness of being surrounded by beings I’d always adored, but now I clearly SAW them for the magnificence that they are. My connection to them deepened in a way I’d always craved, but had never known how to sink into.

I didn’t need to construct a religion out of animism. I didn’t need to form a cosmology to replace what I had let go of. I didn’t need hierarchy, priests, named gods, or permission. I didn’t need a church or other people to validate me. I didn’t need definitive answers to all the mysteries of the universe. I didn’t need a ready-made box of beliefs compiled by others.

Animism is the anarchist spirituality of the people. It anchors us directly to the earth, with no intermediary necessary. It is the great equalizer and humbling force, reminding us of our place here on Earth.

A part of my mind and soul just woke up and re-connected with the deeper world that exists beneath, within, above, and around us. I felt like I had suddenly come alive.

It was like the hazy polluted fog cleared away, and the path through the forest was suddenly clear. It was like coming home to my animal body, the spiritual mother matrix, which reopened a portal to the Universe.

I’d been quietly knocking for years. And suddenly I realized there was no door, but an expanse of all ready to welcome me back into What Has Always Been.

Animism was the gift I had been waiting for…

Is Animism “Childish”?

I hear the protests… “Animism is wishful thinking. You should instead embrace reality.” And here’s my counter-protest…

What does an Abrahamic god give us? War, violence, domination, imperialism, colonialism, and the hatred of women (don’t forget about the “curse of Eve” and the many, many stories of women-hatred that are sprinkled throughout the Bible).

What does the scientific industry and atheism give us? Calloused “reality” in which nothing is special or important, wherein all beings on this planet are mere objects, and wherein it’s easy to see humans as parasites that need to be contained and controlled.

By the fruits of a culture’s actions and behaviors, we can judge their worldviews.

Matriarchal societies have been documented to produce the healthiest, safest, and most well-adjusted women, men, and children. They are the very safest societies for humans. Why? Because healthy women have an inherent embodied wisdom that creates balance - they pay attention to all members of a society in ways that many men can’t/don’t (obviously “not all men” - I’m talking about biology, however).

I am NOT here for this idea that men are natural born culture dominators and women should stay home to raise their babies and quietly exist away from society. I get that it’s a tendency to adopt these ideas from those who reject the modern toxic beliefs that have created such significant issues for women and children.

But these are not root cause solutions. They are ideas that were just in practice less than 100 years ago and are still in practice in many countries/cultures still). They lead to lots of abuse and unhappiness for women and children. They will NOT save our world.

Yes, women and babies should not be separated. Yes, women have been harmed by popular feminism. And no, returning to “godly” patriarchal control isn’t the solution. It’s also part of the original problem that feminists have been desperately fighting to fix.

I am not here to tell anyone what to believe. But I am here to create space for reflection and to call belief systems to accountability for their actions.

I have a deep respect for those who have a depth of spiritual commitment. I admire those with the discipline of spiritual practice. I think it’s incredibly beautiful, and I honor these commitments.

AND I critique a worldview that places women and children at the bottom of the rung. That infantilizes women. That makes them subservient to men’s whims (that are not being contained appropriately, because they are being affirmed by a culture that’s gone off-rails).

Matrifocal culture is NOT men-hating. It is a culture in which men can thrive because their gifts are put to good use. They are no longer killing (metaphorically and literally) each other in order to climb the ladder to domination. They are no longer abusing children and women, because they are not allowed to (and it wouldn’t even cross their minds to because of their gentle childhood socialization).

The women are watching. Men are held to accountability.

When we center men’s needs in society, we immediately put women and children in danger. They are removed from the center of culture, hidden away in their private homes, and cannot put their beautiful wisdom to use in ways that benefit their communities.

When we center the mother-baby dyad in society, we place importance on what that relationship needs. All of society becomes focused on creating wellbeing and safety for the most vulnerable: mothers and their beautiful babies.

What does this have to do with animism and spirituality?

Ancient and modern matriarchal cultures worship the earth. They honor the seasons. They live in the wild. They believe in the beautiful and inherent wisdom of the powerful female body. They cultivate instead of destroy.

When you believe that every single thing you touch holds wisdom, value, and worthiness… you stop trying to destroy and dominate. You start listening and witnessing.

We live in a time of transition. I’m not asking anyone to do what I do (I would never assume that I have the answers to anything). I’m not asking that we turn back time and live some utopian fantasy.

But I am asking others to hold complexity in their worldviews. To recognize how things have gone terribly wrong. To see what this planet deserves (including all the non-human beings that we share this planet with). To see that the rightful role of humans on this planet is as servants of life, not takers and destroyers. To see that humans are mammals too, and we are required to participate in the web of life instead of mistakenly separating ourselves from it.

I’m asking others to evaluate their current spiritual beliefs and practices to see if they contain space for a more matriarchal approach to life. If their devotion to spirit can make room for their oldest grandmothers. If they can practice devotion to the wise Earth underneath their feet.

This might be hard. But I believe it’s the only way we will heal what we have destroyed.

And for the atheists who so loudly pronounce everyone else as “deluded”... I would ask: what has your belief system produced that is Earth-healing? Do you feel proud of seeing this magical world as mechanistic components - objects that can be manipulated and controlled for the benefit of the highest bidder? Do you spend your days feeling guilty for existing? Do you wonder if humans are parasites? Do you hold or entertain anti-natalist ideas? Do you believe that the problem with the earth is that there are “too many people”? Do you think of yourself as “not nature” and outside of the “wild”?

The atheist belief system has had a needed role in helping to move us away from other kinds of patriarchy and destructive superstitious beliefs. But it was still built upon a religious framework, as we are creatures of pattern. And this newer worldview will not heal the world either.

We cannot heal what a technological framework has created with more technology. It’s absolute madness to pander to the Elon Musks of the world, pretending as though their perspectives will work (they won’t).

This story is to simply validate others’ experience. I’m not here to discuss religion with the religious, nor atheism with the atheists. I really don’t care what you choose to believe, and I’m not going to play tit-for-tat reference arguments - I honestly don’t give two shits.

Reframe these ideas in whatever religion-affirming ways you want to - I don’t care. I’m more interested in your actions and how you treat the beings you share this world with, than what you have named these ideas in your life.

I’m more interested in how you are making the world safer and more nurturing for women, babies, and children. I’m more interested in how you are restoring the soil, rewilding yourself, and re-trusting the wisdom of your body. I’m interested in seeing how you unravel the Medical Industrial Complex, the political systems that abuse and destroy, and how you return indigenous cultures to themselves once again (and how you re-indigenize your own life).

If you can fit this into an Abrahamic worldview, more power to you.

Whatever story you want to tell yourself…the only way to heal the world is to reclaim our state of being as the natural stewards and nurturers of life.

Will you join me?

*The Story of Separation is a concept coined by Charles Eisenstein. I highly recommend digging into his ideas and essays further, as they are quite illuminating as to our current global crises and situations.