Sometimes taking a pause from life is exactly what is needed...

I’ve been disconnected from this space for a few months, which has been unintentional but also turns out to be exactly what I needed.

I have a mostly finished essay to share that I started over 3 months ago, but I just never quite got back to it. It’s on my list to finish in the next week, so I’ll publish that very soon.

The world gets ever louder and more chaotic, and the past 2 months I’ve carved out a tiny nest of peace for myself and my children. It turns out, it was more needed than I ever could have imagined.

I’ve spent the vast majority of my life in a dysregulated nervous system state (which I’m sure many of you can relate to, as well). 

Between being an only child raised by a single mother who was constantly attacking my peace as a child (her nervous system state was one of the most dysregulated I’ve ever seen in my life…), and then attaching myself at a young age to a lovely human who wasn’t my “soulmate” and becoming a very young mother, to the very act of trying to mother in an intensely starving and nutrient deficient body (0/10 do not recommend)... To just going and going and going, hoping to one day finally land somewhere that felt like home and felt like peace…

It’s been an intense ride for my nervous system.

That’s not to say that there weren't plenty of regenerative moments, lots of joy, and tons of mindset work and healing throughout that whole process. There absolutely was in abundance. But the intensity woven throughout was unrelenting, and my nervous system just couldn’t quite get out of its constant state of frozen.

2023 was such an intense year of spirals and full circles. My mother moved into my home, as there was nothing else I could figure out to do for her at a moment’s notice. The childhood button pushing relationship we shared entered my home in ways I had been able to mostly avoid as an adult. It was my constant companion over several months, which were some of the most intense of my life.

Moving her into an assisted living space was a necessary next step, even though I actively grieved for what could not be (I wanted to have a mother that I could keep in my home and who could love me in the way I wanted to love her). I accepted what was, and kept putting one foot in front of the other, prioritizing my own wellbeing while also honoring her needs at the end of her life.

And then on top of all of that, my husband of 21 years managed to land himself in jail, I suddenly found myself on the receiving end of harassment from law enforcement (I still have mini-panic attacks whenever the doorbell rings or someone knocks, which I’m working through each time it occurs). 

Now, I was dealing with the loss of half our family’s income, the grief of my children losing their dad, the intensity of figuring out a legal system that is riddled with corruption and BS (another view into how systems harm women and their children), moving through anger and intense panic and grief…

While also still caring for my increasingly obstinate and angry mother on a daily basis, being the rock for my kiddos, and still laughing while building hope and dreams for the future.

I had precious moments with my mother during this time, especially after she learned that my partner was in jail and she softened a bit in her harshness toward me. I treasure those moments for the beauty that was in them, and with gratitude that she was able to offer some connection at her end of life, even as it was riddled with her lifelong traumas and patterns bubbling up in full force (dementia is both a gift and a curse).

She was a beautiful soul tortured by a troubled life, and I’m grateful for the moments of love that we did get to share. My primal self still aches for her, even as I am relieved that it’s over.

I can critique the bullshit while also holding space for the love that was shared between us.

When my mom died in December, I was able to intentionally enter the womb of the Dark Mother, and hold space for my mother’s body in ways that were ancestral, old, and honoring to my own life path. It was a big task to take on, especially in the wake of the whiplash my nervous system had been through in the previous few months. That said, I knew that if I didn’t do it I would regret it, and so I did.

I did not have much emotional or physical support from my siblings throughout this process, and my organizational skills and technology skills (I am MUCH younger than all of them) ensured that I ended up doing most of the tasks for planning the funeral on my own. I delegated where I could, but my nervous system was in survival mode during this time. I just needed to get through this nonsense with my siblings, bury my mother in the best way that I could that honored her own worldview and gave me a piece of my own worldview. It was not perfect, but it was the closing of a circle with honor and beauty.

Previous to her death, I had spoken with one half-brother that I get along with wonderfully, and he had offered for the 3 of us to stay at his home in South Carolina for a few months to recover and be somewhere else (far away from the madness) for a while. I told him that it all depended on how long I needed to care for our mother, but that I absolutely could not turn down an adventure, so if it was possible…yes!

My mom decided to exit this life at a moment that felt fated. Most of everything that has happened in this past year has very much felt like it was orchestrated by a force beyond my own comprehension. Her exit meant we could wrap up our life in southern Utah, go on a restful adventure, and then plan to join midwife friends in Utah County for a wonderful new life chapter a few months later.

And so I said yes to South Carolina, we packed up all our belongings into a storage unit, cleaned up the house that had held us through so many intense experiences, and said goodbye.

During this time, I had also started a graduate program in functional nutrition, so I was working through a chemistry course online. Intense, and also just what I needed to build dreams, give me renewed connection to ambition, and dust off my brain. 

We drove across the country, saying hello to friends and family along the way. Once we landed in South Carolina, it was already spring, and the warmth, sunshine, and blossoms immediately started to melt the intensity of my wound up soul. 

We’ve been bundled up together in a cozy home, soaking up the warmth, the green beauty, the flowers, the beautiful birdsong and wildlife, the ocean, and the quiet. We’ve spent a lot of time together at the lovely YMCA gym, on lots of walks in the friendly neighborhood (love Southern friendliness), wandering in the woods and parks, lying in the sunshine, sleeping like we’ve never slept before, eating incredible homemade meals, watching funny shows, exploring cities nearby, and just generally being together.

My son turned 19 here (time is such a thief), and we flew out his best friend who we’ve known since they were both tiny to celebrate. 

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Now, I know not everyone could make this sort of situation happen, and I acknowledge that my circumstance is very lucky. I just happened to have a brother with a home that needed housesitting at this moment in time. I do most of my work online, so I can be anywhere there’s wifi. I’m a wandering nomadic sort of girl, so this kind of adventure is absolutely my cup of tea. 

But I will say that it’s been amazing to be away from the environment that caused so much of the stress and delayed healing, and to just feel my body and its sense of gentle unwinding. About 3 weeks into being here, I suddenly felt my body relax and I realized the extent of how not-relaxed it had been before. 

Sometimes leaving the environment where we cannot thrive and making huge changes for our wellbeing is absolutely the right answer. 

Women often put themselves last, creating a martyrdom of their life. They toughen up, brace themselves, go into freeze mode, and tell themselves that they can take it.

We are tough. We can take it. But sometimes we really shouldn’t.

Or, we should know when we’ve done the hard work and now it’s time to prioritize our own wellbeing and rest.

Extend from our center, return to our center. Expansion and then contraction. 

Mothers are the center of the family and their wellbeing is the wellbeing of the entire family. We are the examples and mirrors for our children, and they will mimic what we do subconsciously or consciously. 

It took me 20 years to work through the nervous system state that my mom raised me in. I’m still working on unwinding it all (the gift of being here has been being quiet enough to see the patterns I have left to focus on transforming).

It is worth it for us to do this work so our children can start adulthood from a place of resilience and strength. 

The amount of effort I put into my own healing and wellbeing over the past 20 years really showed its colors during 2023 and early 2024, as I endured some of the most intense experiences of my life and did it all with resilience. I am very proud of how I showed up, how I processed, how I felt my feelings, how I did what I felt was the right thing even when it was very hard, and how I held the complexity of the journey with intention and care. 

Nothing during those experiences is laced with regret or “if only I had…” Everything felt orchestrated by the divine life-force. I sit here with my adult children, best friends and so glad that we’ve grown together through all of this.

We’re about to wrap up our time in South Carolina. My chemistry class is over (and I did much better than I thought I would!). I’m still working through the to-do list I brought with me from Utah. My kids’ dad is still in jail, and we’re still journeying through the bizarreness of all of that (even as I am no longer married to him, but still his friend and supporter through all the complexity).

But our new chapter is on the horizon, and I honestly cannot wait to get started.

Deep gratitude to all of you who have been on this journey with me and who have patiently waited for new words from me. I needed some time of silence and being deeply internal. And now that I have spent time in my center, I am again ready to extend from it again.

The next post that I share will be the detailed experience of caring for my mother after death, with tips for those who may want to do this themselves. It was a beautiful experience that I highly recommend to all who want to experience this very-human rite of passage. I can’t wait to share this essay with you, which I hope to do next week.

I’m feeling so creative and daydreamy, and I have so much to share as things come together. I can’t wait to be present in this space regularly again.

Sending restful ease, resilience, and the hope of spring to all of you! xo